11:08 p.m. - 2005-03-14

tired...

There is this fear inside�it steers, it guides, it drives�I am envisioning my life and I am afraid she might just pass me by. I am packing my things, trying not to forget�so many things I must remember before heading out those doors. I find myself almost paralyzed feeling I can�t take much more. This darkness�these dreams�these visions of things I know not where but somehow I remember them being there. I am letting go�falling into what I only pray is a solid safety net. Testing my comprehension�for three years plus I�ve lied awake�unable to rest unable to stay. Waking before the alarm just to take initiative hoping not to let the day fall in the wayside. In a tired state, I bumble through my work unable to portray. I put on a face, tell what they want to hear, what they wish I would say. Makes it easier when no one has to feel the uncomfy sort of way. No wait�that�s not me�that�s only a glimpse of the person I used to be. Letting go and looking in�I am often scared and afraid of what happens if I don�t win. They laughed they sneered they rarely ever treated me as a peer�my life in just a flash�and it baffles me how some people actually want their childhood back. With my bag in hand, I am waiting at the station for my train to land. The mail comes the mail goes�and still I stand�and with everyday inquisiting minds want to know.

Tonight...

From this moment we shall walk�we flow through the trees feeling the fog smother our skin�we are drifting apart all forging our own paths with only the moon to guide us through the lonely night. I feel the gravel upon my feet scraping at my flesh, it keeps me awake�it keeps me alive. The pain is where I go when I have nothing left inside. In these depths, we deem hell but with in them the water rises and reservoir shell swell �from these depths we shall grow and in the world, our loving presence will one day overflow.

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