4:30 p.m. - 2004-12-05

Can nice guys kiss?

Going on over 270 days�I haven�t really kept track�but as the holidays draw near the number feels more apparent. Looking through my closet for that elegant floor length gown to attend yet another fancy party full of everyone but one of my kind. Two old interests of mine called this last month, but I didn�t return their calls. Must keep myself from falling back in the arms of those men who possess those flaws I am trying so hard to quit. Must find men unlike those from past� One of which would have been a charming date for the party�not to mention an incredible fling� Is that me? Am I looking for drunk drama stay up all night sleep all day expensive food � it�s hard to imagine the holidays any other way. I have this feeling that what I am looking for just isn�t here anymore. I�ve never found satisfaction in what I�ve found within these walls�unless I was extremely intoxicated� I yearn to return to that majestic existence I had when I found that place. I should hear sometime next month whether I shall be granted the opportunity to return�and then it�s just wrapping up what I�ve opened up here. I am sitting back in a darkly lit coffee shop sipping my espresso nibbling that wonderful graham biscuit they�ve placed on my saucer. I stare out the window through the hanging plants enjoying the strangely lit sky. Pulling a pack of imported Camels from my pocket, I reach my arm across the bar sliding an ashtray towards me, looking around I light my cigarette. I listen to a melody of languages picking out who is from where and dissecting their tone. And so the adventure begins�

It�s hard to imagine making time for anyone in the craziness I call my life. I hold back, I withdraw, I hide, �how can I be anything to anyone when all I have time to focus on is myself? I miss it�I miss that feeling�I miss those looks�I miss that laughter�I miss those nerves�I miss that grin�and yet I hold myself in. I dream that as I wrap this last year of course work and pass my comprehensive exams I will find my way out of here. We are always meeting the right people at the wrong time or meeting the wrong people at the right time�time overrules everything�so then I ask, are our chances of remaining alone based more on timing than integrity, intellect, and heart? Questions stir through my brain�did I miss my time�do I have a time�is there time�how long shall I wait? Convinces self she�s happier alone than in the arms of one of those sinfully evil men who drinks, eats, smokes you�and wonders�can nice guys kiss?

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